If Columbus only knew...

Dear World,

Thank you for helping to understand that in order to fully appreciate Columbus Day, we must all take a journey back to his time. Today began with a trip on a plane that should probably be in a museum--the infamous DC 9-30. Even though I do not usually like to be cramped in a tight space that smells heavily of Kerosene, I decided to embark on the journey given the historical celebration at hand. I think Christopher Columbus would be intrigued to see that a plane made in his youth is still flying the friendly skies.

After finally arriving at my destination, I was greeted by H* Rent A Car as though I personally was Christopher Columbus. True to my apparent age, a Silver Grand Marquis had been selected for me. Since I was erroneously under the impression that I was a mere 27 years old, I would like to say thanks to H* for recognizing my true maturity level. After all, when all the cars on the highway either speed up after seeing the Minnesota license plate or slow down because they think a detective is inside, one is better able to take in the enveloping fall color tour.

Overjoyed (and still in awe) of the natural beauty all around, I later galloped happily into the Courtyard hotel. Thankfully, in honor of Columbus day, it too is a relic. Unfortunately, the room that Melissa selected for me at check-in did not suit my needs. You see, while I appreciate history very much, I'm afraid that whoever stayed in the room after Columbus may not have been a frequent user of deodorant....the smell made me throw up just a little. At first I was upset, but then I remembered that Columbus surely endured much more on his feat to "discover a new world".

Thanks again for helping to see the world as Columbus once did. Maybe next week we can go back to the future.

Love,
L

This Week's Car Rental

Dear H*,
I would like to thank you for promoting me to President's Circle status, it makes me feel really good about myself when I see that designation listed below my name on your paperwork. I had been under the impression that this would give me the peace of mind and satisfaction of receiving well-cared for and a little bit nicer than normal cars, when renting with you, but I had no idea that it also included cars that had their own internal ecosystems!  When I picked my car up in the rental lot, it felt extra warm and humid inside but I just chalked that up to external temperatures and the potential that the car had spent a fair amount of time lounging in the warm parking lot. Imagine my surprise, the following morning, when I opened my car door and felt a blast of heat and dampness emanating from the inside of the car, especially when it had been so chilly overnight!  You gave me a rainforest car!  I realized then that the odd smell was just an attempt to replicate the smell of the rainforest plant-life and animals!  I wonder if you thought I was travelling with children or if you just thought Evansville wasn't going to be exotic enough for me?  Regardless, thank you very much and I look forward to my next adventure with you!
Love,
JW

P.S.  The loose suspension and steering added a nice touch of adventure :)

Apology

Dear S*,
I am writing to apologize to you for my bad behavior, yesterday.  I very much enjoy your caffeinated beverages, specifically your latte, and intend to continue to take advantage of your services if I am allowed.
Yesterday, I placed my standard order for a venti non-fat latte with 2 splendas at the drive-up and, as is appropriate, pulled-up to the window to pay my fee and wait for my beverage.  I was looking in the window at the barista and thought that he was trying to hand me a GRANDE beverage instead of a VENTI.  Apparently, I made a strange face and while doing so, realized that the barista was, in fact, handing me the venti-sized latte that I had ordered, so I didn't say anything.  Unfortunately, the barista noticed my facial distortion and asked me if I was okay.  Embarrassed, I said yes and quickly sped off in my car with the beverage.  I did leave a tip, but that doesn't really nullify the face-making.

Later that afternoon, I opted to stop by for another beverage through the same drive-thru.  All went well with the ordering, payment and receipt of the beverage, but I was not paying attention and managed to hop the median of the drive-thru while trying to exit, instead of just driving straight as I was supposed to.  I am reporting this to you because I believe that I may have offended some of your customers who were sitting outside enjoying their caffeinated beverages.  You see, I was shouting profanities as I hopped the median with my car.....and my car window was still down after receiving my beverage from your barista.  Based on the facial expressions of several outdoor customers, it became quite apparent that my stream of profanities had reached their ears.  Instead of stopping to personally apologize, once again, I sped off in embarrassment.

I realize that my behavior was not acceptable, yesterday, and hope that you can accept my apology so that I can continue to purchase your beverages.
Sincerely,
JW

9/16/2010

Dear D*,

You may recall the last paragraph in a letter dated August 10, 2010: “On a final note, please make every attempt to continue serving Biscoff cookies aboard flights traveling greater than 500 miles.  Honestly, this is the only reason I continue to fly.”  Sadly, this wish was not granted on a recent flight from MSP to SFO.  While I understand that you may have feared that I would perform inappropriate acts with said Biscoffs, I can assure you that my love of the snack is too great.  Even though I decided to stay awake the entire night before my flight and the woman next to me continued to crinkle a plastic Kmart-style bag incessantly during my rest period, I can assure you that I would not have crushed the Biscoffs and sprinkled them on her head.  Likewise, even though the man in the row behind me decided to ring his call light immediately after takeoff (before we even reached 10,000 feet) to ask when he would be receiving his headphones (again, during my rest period), I would not throw Biscoffs at his face as if they were hockey pucks.  Again, Biscoffs are my favorite treat in America and I would not even dream of wasting them on a lousy bag crinkler or even an annoying call light ringer.  In order to rectify this situation in the future, please have an adequate supply of Biscoffs available for each flight.  Please note that it may even be advisable to maintain a back-up stash in the first class closet. 

On another note, I would like to thank you for once again downgrading my suitcase.  It is now a bipod.  As you may recall, it began its life with a fully functional set of four limbs.  Even though you cleverly denied my claim on a technicality last time, I think I would be best served resubmitting the claim.  Maybe this time I will get a more sympathetic Service Center Associate. 

Sincerely

L

9/7/2010

Dear I* Hotel Group,

Upon visiting your website in pursuit of a hotel in Elkhart, Indiana, I came across the H* I* Express on Highway 19.  As you know, I normally reside only at new properties (even if I have to sacrifice points to do so).  This property pushed me a little outside of my normal comfort zone.  While the smell of fresh cookies normally wafts from the halls of other Holiday Inn Express properties, the smell inside the property in question rivaled that of the Super 8 I recall from my childhood trip Georgia with my parents, Sheryl and Randall.  As a side note, please be advised that most people I know and like do not consider the Super 8 a model property.

You may not be aware, but hotel hot tubs are decidedly gross; said hot tubs are even worse when there is no water inside and all the stains are clearly visible to the naked eye.  Additionally, though I did request a nonsmoking guest room and that request was apparently granted, for some reason I had the urge to smoke frequently inside to mask the exuding pool/hot tub smell...please do not add an extra cleaning fee to my bill. 

 

Sincerely,

L

8/23/2010

Dear H* Rent-A-Car,

Thank you for once again considering my needs and insuring that I would have to present inside the barely air conditioned #1 Gold Club hut at SFO.  Even though my name appeared on the board today (unlike last week), when I went to the spot as directed (#127), there was no car--i.e. the spot was empty.  Since the car was obviously stolen from the premises, I would like to make sure that I will not be charged for 2 cars as I am only capable of maneuvering one car at a time.  Also, thank you for giving me a smelly version of the Nissan Altima.  I can assure you, that unlike my coworker BBQ, I will not leave said car running over night.

As well, I would like to let you know formally that I have, in fact, updated my #1 Gold 5 Star profile to include "Volvo S80 Sedan" as my preferred vehicle.  While I do not expect to actually be afforded the luxury of driving such a vehicle, I wanted to let you know that I will always decline a Chrysler Town and Country.  The same goes for anything in the "compact" class. 

Sincerely,

L

8/10/2010

Dear D*,

Though I thoroughly enjoy the new website layout and am getting used to said new layout rather quickly, I'm a bit saddened by your recent decision to implement a mandatory freezing policy on board the aircraft.  Though I covered my entire body like a cocoon with a lovely blue blanket (as provided in first class), I could not cease the shivers. 

Also, I would like to thank you for turning my quad-wheeled bag into a tripod.  I never thought it would be possible to attract new friends who simply wonder where I acquired such a lovely piece of art. 

On a final note, please make every attempt to continue serving Biscoff cookies aboard flights traveling greater than 500 miles.  Honestly, this is the only reason I continue to fly. 

Sincerely

L

Dear D*,

My flight yesterday was not one of your mandatory freezing flights….it was a mandatory weight loss by sweating flights.  I appreciate your interest in my weight loss, but would prefer to do it under normal conditions that I choose for myself.  Additionally, no Biscoff or pretzels were available during our snack service….only peanuts.  Have you forgotten about the people that are extremely allergic to nuts?  What if someone had become asphyxiated due to my consumption of that snack?  Also, do you realize how fatty the peanuts are?  Not good if you are truly trying to promote weight loss.

I would also like to request a “weird-meter” for seating as I was stuck between two extremely strange women who thought that I wanted to speak with each one of them throughout the entire flight.  One was snacking on her finger while she was talking at me, which I don’t consider very sanitary.  Perhaps there should be a few rows assigned to cannibals?  The other offered me her bag of peanuts and then proceeded to ask me a variety of strange questions about the conversation that was being had with the cannibal.  It was exhausting and unappreciated.  If at all possible, could we travel in seat capsules that prevent others from making any contact with us outside of the flight crew serving minimal snacks?  I might be willing to pay for my capsule.

Sincerely,

J