8/23/2010

Dear H* Rent-A-Car,

Thank you for once again considering my needs and insuring that I would have to present inside the barely air conditioned #1 Gold Club hut at SFO.  Even though my name appeared on the board today (unlike last week), when I went to the spot as directed (#127), there was no car--i.e. the spot was empty.  Since the car was obviously stolen from the premises, I would like to make sure that I will not be charged for 2 cars as I am only capable of maneuvering one car at a time.  Also, thank you for giving me a smelly version of the Nissan Altima.  I can assure you, that unlike my coworker BBQ, I will not leave said car running over night.

As well, I would like to let you know formally that I have, in fact, updated my #1 Gold 5 Star profile to include "Volvo S80 Sedan" as my preferred vehicle.  While I do not expect to actually be afforded the luxury of driving such a vehicle, I wanted to let you know that I will always decline a Chrysler Town and Country.  The same goes for anything in the "compact" class. 

Sincerely,

L

8/10/2010

Dear D*,

Though I thoroughly enjoy the new website layout and am getting used to said new layout rather quickly, I'm a bit saddened by your recent decision to implement a mandatory freezing policy on board the aircraft.  Though I covered my entire body like a cocoon with a lovely blue blanket (as provided in first class), I could not cease the shivers. 

Also, I would like to thank you for turning my quad-wheeled bag into a tripod.  I never thought it would be possible to attract new friends who simply wonder where I acquired such a lovely piece of art. 

On a final note, please make every attempt to continue serving Biscoff cookies aboard flights traveling greater than 500 miles.  Honestly, this is the only reason I continue to fly. 

Sincerely

L

Dear D*,

My flight yesterday was not one of your mandatory freezing flights….it was a mandatory weight loss by sweating flights.  I appreciate your interest in my weight loss, but would prefer to do it under normal conditions that I choose for myself.  Additionally, no Biscoff or pretzels were available during our snack service….only peanuts.  Have you forgotten about the people that are extremely allergic to nuts?  What if someone had become asphyxiated due to my consumption of that snack?  Also, do you realize how fatty the peanuts are?  Not good if you are truly trying to promote weight loss.

I would also like to request a “weird-meter” for seating as I was stuck between two extremely strange women who thought that I wanted to speak with each one of them throughout the entire flight.  One was snacking on her finger while she was talking at me, which I don’t consider very sanitary.  Perhaps there should be a few rows assigned to cannibals?  The other offered me her bag of peanuts and then proceeded to ask me a variety of strange questions about the conversation that was being had with the cannibal.  It was exhausting and unappreciated.  If at all possible, could we travel in seat capsules that prevent others from making any contact with us outside of the flight crew serving minimal snacks?  I might be willing to pay for my capsule.

Sincerely,

J